I'll never understand the decision you made on October 28, 1977. Every year around this time, I always sit down and write a letter to you, hoping one day I'll find some answers to why you did what you did.
Until then, I'll just continue to make an attempt to ease the pain just a little each year by writing down my thoughts and feelings.
If you were alive, you would be so proud of me right now. I have a beautiful family unit. I am married to this really great guy I met in my Sophomore year at school. Let me tell you daddy, you would LOVE him. He is the most patient, loving and supportive man on my planet. And he adores everything about me. Even when I forget to take my "calm down, stop acting so crazy" medication. Wait, that's another story all together.
We have two children. Our daughter is
Our son is
We also have a baby girl, she's 3 and has completed our family unit. I wish you were here to see your grandchildren.
I saw a photo of you once and I wish I still had that photo. From what I remember of the photo, you had a HUGE Afro, very fair skin, you appeared to be tall in the photo too. I wish I still had that photo, I would carry it around with me everyday.
Daddy, what happened? What made you do what you did on October 28, 1977. You were very young. You were 29 years old. What could've been so wrong in your life that made you feel the need to do this? Through a little research, I found out you were buried here. I asked my husband if he would consider making the drive with me to see you. He said, Of course. I called the cemetery and they informed me that you are in a group burial plot and your spot is Section B. So, you are in a grave with 3 other people. I even looked into getting you an official headstone.
I'm not even sure if this is a good idea. I can't even write a letter to you without my feelings getting all out of whack. For instance, I feel so many emotions, I can't really pinpoint what I feel when I think of you not being here.
Sadness, Guilt, Confusion, Anger, Lost, Anger, Grief, Anger, and the list goes on and on.
Oh, don't worry, I am very happy with my family that I have. My husband takes very good care of me and our family without a doubt. We are living a great life. We go through our ups and downs like any other family unit. I am in love and I am loved by my family.
One thing I know, nothing compares to a Daddy's love. And I wish you were here so I can feel what this feels like. When my husband goes on deployments, I always say: Come back. It's not very emotional or drawn out. I just simply say: Come back. He knows exactly what this means and he knows that I know that his safety and return is my utmost concern. I say come back because I honestly don't ever want to lose him or have the kids to experience the grief of not having their daddy here.
I was talking to my husband about this and asked if he ever felt like he didn't want to live and he felt the need to do this, would he reach out to someone or would he ever make this kind of decision. He said, he could never make this decision because he would never want his children to grow up without him. I thought he would say he didn't want to live without me but, his answer was cool too! Hah!
I guess my question is: Did you ever really love me? Did you ever really love yourself? What happened on that fatal day to drive you to make this decision?
Why did you put a gun to your head and pull the trigger? Why did you do what you did on October 28, 1977? I wish you were here.
Why???????????????????????? and who is Clarence Adams? On the report I received, he was the one who found you. Yes, shot dead in the head. Was he a friend of yours? Was he someone you felt that you couldn't talk to? I'm sure he probably still has nightmares of finding you in the state you were in.
I wish you were here. You would really like me and you would be very proud to call me your daughter.